An international intelligence expert, speaking on condition of anonymity on behalf of Prestige Ameritech, cautioned today that the symptoms of the virus are worse than previously thought, “It attacks the cerebral cortex, muting all moral impulses and replacing them with signals that create a hunger for human flesh.”
He urged calm, stating that higher quality surgical masks can help prevent infection, “We have developed new, more fashionable masks that provide greater protection than the standard low-cost masks currently on the market. We also have reason to believe that many of the cheaper masks may have been deliberately infected by terrorists. So, while they may set you back a pretty penny, hey, you don’t want to be a zombie, do you?”
In related news, State Department officials announced the discovery that Democracy is the only proven cure for the #coronavirus;
“Our investigation found that the virus is Communist in origin” they said.
The US has vowed to do all they can to deliver the cure to the suffering Chinese people in a strategic manner at every possible opportunity.